One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
As you can see, I have not posted to the site in some time.
The reason is simple. What was left of my body after my first hospitalization (from 167 to 135 pounds) has been ravaged by yet more pneumonia and a two week stay in the hospital near to the point of death. My body weight dropped to a scant 123 pounds. I was nearly dead several times. The double pneumonia was very, very hard on on this tired body.
I was released from the hospital a mere two days ago. A bag of skin and bones. My arms? maybe 9 inches in diameter. My legs? Maybe 17 inches. My waist? 25 inches. All the thick muscle I was so accustom to was gone from my back, and I was so weak I was unable to stand or walk unassisted.
As much as this may shock my readers, I am so very glad this happened to me. Yes. It is true. I am so glad it has happened to me.
For 44 years of my life I lived a lie. I had a huge, muscular physique that was the envy of nearly everyone I knew. But this image hid a terrible truth: that each day the ravaging affects of CF were ripping away at me like meat-hooks shredding my intention. Each day, for hours on end, when I awoke from slumber, my lungs were full of mucus. It has been this way for 30 years. Each day I would cough for hours on end. It would leave me exhausted and discouraged. But I had my trusty, strong body to remind me that I was not down and out. At least not yet.
I never told anyone I had CF either. That would blow my cover. Moreover, when people who had CF found out just how fit I was, they hated me. This is a fact. It happened to me. Several times. So, I just kept my CF a hidden secret because my muscles gave me permission to do it. I could walk around town in short sleeved shirts and no one knew anything was wrong with me unless they saw me cough, which I rarely let anyone do. Again, I did not wish to blow my cover.
In doing this I was inadvertently robbing God of the Glory and Honor He so richly deserves. So, God will not be robbed of glory and honor for long. He is patient and long suffering, yes, but after a time He will step in and take credit where credit is due. Moreover, God had something to show me because He loves me so much. He wanted me to see what people with CF go through on a daily basis so that I could feel their pain. He wanted me to be able to experience the despair and hopelessness that comes as part of the package. When you are skin and bones, unable to walk or run, and so weak you cannot stand unassisted, true despair overtakes you. But, and here is the kicker: Jesus is the Great Overcomer and He can cause us to overcome with Him.
I am going to state right here and now that even though I am barely able to sit at this computer and type, that God has in fact followed through on a promise He gave to me 5 months ago when I was first admitted to the hospital for the first time in my life. And here is what He said to me:
“I know you are sick and discouraged. This was necessary. All your life you excluded me from your health issues. You tried to do it it your own strength. You succeeded, but your own strength has had it’s day. You are limited and you have reached your limit. You have taken your health as far as you can in your own strength. I, your Heavenly Father, am about to take you the rest of the way in My strength, and My strength has no limits. You would be made well. You will be healthier than you have ever been. Trust Me.”
I believed Him. And I believed Him ever since, even now in my current depleted state, I believe Him.
People who know me are watching to see what God will do. Everyone is watching now to see what God will do. And if He can do it for me, He will do it for you.
I dare you to move like today has never happened before. I dare you not to count the past failures in your life. Do not allow them to inform your present. Because God can make you new in ways you never imagined possible.
I have a special song that lifts my soul. I think it is a song for those who are meek and made lowly. It is my favorite song. I hope it ministers to you.
DARE YOU TO MOVE - SWITCHFOOT
